For A Hundred Years.

I remember when I was little I used to lay in my bed at night. I would be so afraid. I dont remember about what, but something about the night scared me. I would make sure my dad was locked into his room and i would wait until the silence was all that I heard. I would quickly slide out of my bed and open my door. I would look both ways, afraid my dad was not in his room like I thought. I would then hold my breath, and run as fast as my little legs could carry me down the hall. I would open the door to brightness, to warmth. My grandma or as I called her, non. I can picture her now, sitting on her chair, watching reruns of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". I would sit on her floor and we would just talk for hours. She would always reassure me that there was nothing to be afraid of. She would walk me to my room and sit at the foot of my bed and rub my leg. I loved just knowing she was there. Sometimes she would even sing to me.

My grandma was an amazing person. She had the most amazing heart of anyone I have ever met in my life. She left her life completely for me and my brother. She stopped her world, to take care of me. From the time I was 3 years old we did everything together. Whether that means going to Welsh Farms in fall, buying me new school clothes for the school year or taking me to the pool in the summer, and never did she complain. She was a woman of strength. The kind of strength that I wish I could have. She had serious leg problems, shoulder problems and back problems. Pain was something that was constant in her life. Physically and mentally. Her daughter died, her husband died, all of her sisters died: and she was left. But she never let those obstacles in her life get in the way of her love. She demonstrated love in ways that I will never forget. Whether it was picking me up from school everyday of her life, sacrificing everything that she had or if it was never giving up. She taught me to never give up.

She died on September 16,2008. But she is always with me. Every time I go to a diner and someone starts mopping the floor, I can hear her yelling at the waiter telling them its rude and unsanitary, every time I drink Sprite, I can feel the hundreds of 12 packs of Sprite that I have carried in for her, and every time I see a rose, I see her beauty. I am so thankful that I got to have her as not only as my grandma, but as a mother. Without my grandma, I really believe that I would be some place so different today if it wasn't for her. I actually know that. Her life and her role in my life shows me that God's plan is so much bigger than we can imagine.

I wish anything right now that she could just be sitting at the bottom of my bed, reassuring me that everything will be okay. I think maybe she is.

Bring Me To A Clear Focus.

I am coming to learn that fear and trust go hand in hand. It is hard to trust. Its even harder to go through your day with fear. Fear is something I battle daily. Fear of not being accepted, fear of being forgotten, or left. Fear of being replaceable, fear of not being good enough, of being invisible. Which causes me to shut off sometimes. But what is that really saying? I think my weakness is not so much fear, but trust. If I can't trust that Gods plan is better than mine, that each thing that happens that causes me to fear is HIM doing it, to instill in me something. Instill in me something that I need to know. Each day that I wake up, and praise His name.. is a step closer to forgetting my weakness. Its a step closer to letting my weakness die to His name. Its hard to trust, especially when fear's voice is whispering in my ear the whole time. But maybe, what if I was to stop listening to that voice, and listen to the wind instead. Hear His promise in the sound of the rain hitting the pavement. Feeling His hand in mine as He begs me to trust Him. Each time a situation comes, I have a choice. Choice one: to give up. To give into the fear, to lay down and let the enemy have His way. Or, there is choice two: to fight back. To put on the shield and armor of Christ and fight each day. To not let the worrying make me doubt God's plan. That doesn't always mean being strong. Being strong does not mean having no fear or doubts. Being strong doesn't mean you have it all together. It doesn't mean we don't trip and fall, cry while broken and damaged. But being strong means we keep going. Through each of life's set backs and disappointments. Through the fear and uncertainty. Being strong is simply to keep going. To not give up or to give in. Being strong is being aware of how weak we really are, and giving the control to the One who is never weak or weary.

Each morning when I wake up and open my eyes, the world around me is blurry. My eyes feel dry and unfocused. I scan the room around me of shapes and colors that I can't decipher of what they actually may be. Sometimes things look even scary when I can't seem them. I can't describe what things look like but my imagination has a way of turning bookshelves into murders or chairs in animals. I can try my hardest to see what they actually are but I never can. I can squint, I can try on my own for hours but my vision never changes. It is not until I put my glasses on do things become clear. I think that goes hand in hand with trust and fear. We can try to see through the fear and doubt. We can squint and try to see perspective and what is actual reality. But all the squinting will just leave us with a head ache and tired of trying, tired of trying to do things on our own. But once we put our "glasses" on by taking His hand. Trusting Him that everything in our path is there for a reason. Trusting that that actually the murderer is just a bookshelf, or the pain we feel is just temporary. It's not until we can trust Him with the fear that we suffer with will things start to become clear.

I have to be honest. I have been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy lately. I am addicted. But I find myself seeing Christ in weird ways through each episode. The show always starts with a quote. The quotes always seem to have something to do with longing. Longing for acceptance, for love, for meaning. Aren't we all longing for that in some way or another? Well, He is offering it to us. He is promising that in Him. He is promising that the people He has put in our lives right now, are there for a reason. And those that left, they left for a reason. Whether they left by their choice or He called them home. That all happened for a reason. And that longing will be satisfied. Through Him and the plans that He has. Each time we reach out, or let someone in.. we are carrying out His will. He is so close. He is right here. He is waiting for us. He is waiting for us to let the fear out and His love and promises in.

"I have got no one to blame, excepts if that someone is me

I washed my hands but just the same

My eyes confess for me

I come in filthy rags

You know I'm guilty

I wake up almost every night saying Your name

What I would give to walk in the light

But what I hide has made me lame

My face down on the ground I wait to hear the healing sound

You break through my deafness

Swing open the curtain

And I find the courage

To get up and walk

I forget my weakness

For You have answered my loneliness

Through the mud on my eyes I can see my hope has come

You will have to show me where to go its been so long since I used my feet

I got up today a cripple, and i am now dancing

The power of Your move not stop with what I can see

You break through my deafness

Swing open the curtain

And I find the courage to get up and walk

I forget my weakness

You have answered my loneliness

Through the mud on my eyes I can see

My hope has come"

Time Means Nothing.

So I have tried to write this twice already. The first time was way too honest and I don't know if I have enough courage to post something like that. The second one was selfish and not God speaking. So hopefully this is what He is trying to tell me.

I am afraid of growing up. I am afraid of things changing. I am afraid of time, not having enough of it. It seems when you are having the most fun time goes fast, but when you are miserable time stands still. Do you think God does that for a reason? That maybe He is saying that we are supposed to suffer a little longer, so we can experience joy afterwards? Maybe, He is saying that time isn't important. We are where we are for a certain amount of time for a reason. Things happen, things last for a certain amount of time and then they end: for a reason. Maybe time isn't as important as we make it out to be. If everything is apart of His plan, then its apart of HIS timing. That is different from the 24 hour days that we have I think. There are times when where we would rather be, and where God has us be are very different. Times when you would rather be with someone else, or be some place else. But God has us here for a reason, and maybe it will seem like a long time, like a pit stop in our life that never seems to end; but its apart of Gods timing. He is the maker of time, the controller of the sun, we do not need to fear. Once we take our eyes off the clock, and fix our eyes onto Him; He will bring us to where we need to be.

"It’s dark now and I am very tired. I love you, always. Time is nothing." 

-The Time Travelers Wife.

Throw Me a Lifeline.

To feel like you dont belong anywhere is the worst feeling.