Taste and See.

Currently, I feel weak. I think the fog that has been following me around lately has gone into my immune system and now I am sick. It really stinks as I have so much work to do in the next few days. I am sitting in the coffee kitchen baking four cakes. The snow is falling outside my window and I am listening to Steven Curtis Chapman (obviously). The song "See" may be one of the most beautifully haunting songs I have ever heard. As I listen to it, I drift away from this place of chaos and doubt and into the arms of my Savior.

Lord, give me a faith like that. A faith that doesn't doubt the second things go cloudy. Give me a heart that waits to see.

Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Beauty Will Rise.

We are all breakable girls and boys.

As the days go on, I am starting to see a common thread among us. We are all broken, in the process of breaking or rising from the break. It doesn't matter from what or from whom, but all of us share this. I walk passed people and hear their comments about something, I see it in the eyes of an old friend, I feel it in my own heart. Here is my question. If we are all broken, breaking or have been broken.. why do we continue to live like we do? Have you ever stopped to think that while we carry on in the destruction of our own lives, we are causing the destruction in another's life? Jesus came to save us from the destruction we cause, but I think we need to start asking Him to save us from ourselves, rather than change our circumstance. I am learning a lot through the confusion that I seem to be living in for the last few months. Sometimes it seems unbearable, but today I realized something. When I need to understand, when Jesus needs me to see.. I will. It is as simple as that. Whatever you are waiting for, whatever you are hoping and praying for.. He will answer that prayer, He will speak to you when you need to be spoken too. He will answer that prayer when it needs to be answered. Until then, He wants us to keep asking, keep trusting and keep believing. He has more for us, if we see past our own destruction and let Him show us. The courage it takes to step outside of who we are and be the person He has meant us to be is hard, especially when we may not exactly know what that means. But I think its pretty simple.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

The key for beauty to rise is within our hearts. Within the love we show amongst our own pain and fear, and deep inside our longing for hope.

Safe In His Arms.

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart

And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart

I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own

but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas

Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet

With a love so strong He'll never let you go

oh you're not alone

You will be safe in His arms

You will be safe in His arms

'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart

This is the promise He made

He will be with You always

When everything is falling apart

You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life

Is the very same voice that calls you to rise

So hear Him now He's calling you home

You will never be alone

These are the hands that built the mountains

the hands that calm the seas

These are the arms that hold the heavens

they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper

Pulled the lame up to their feet

These are the arms that were nailed to a cross

to break our chains and set us free

These words are crying out to me tonight. This world tires me out, the constant pull of this life leaves me worn out. Why do I keep leaving His arms? Why do I keep doubting His divine power and strength? It seems the moment I leave His arms the winds of this life scoop me up and toss me around. Its draining. Its draining to feel not enough. But wait, why do I keep leaving? Don't I realize that in His arms I have everything I will ever need? He has made a promise and He will keep me safe. Its only when I leave His arms is when the torments and hurt of this world hit. I shouldn't ask myself why this life is so hard, but I should ask why do I leave His arms in the first place. He never said that the road He leads us down would be clear, never once did He say that everything will go our way or that disappointments or challenges would never happen. However what He has promised is that within His arms, we will have everything we need. Time and time again I find myself at my ropes end, face down in tears begging for the creator to come near. But maybe, it needs to be the other way. He is there, begging for ME to come near. This is the Jesus that nothing is too big nor too small for Him, why do I doubt His capability to hold my heart? He has chosen this path for me. He has planned every single day out and knows every tear I will cry. Why do I leave the comfort of His shoulder and try to face the battle alone? The problem is within my heart. Within our minds. Within this need for us to figure it out on own, to battle the storm without the help of its creator.

"Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me."

Jesus called Him, Peter heard the call, but doubted. He saw the wind, and doubted the Savior, he lost sight of the hope that He had.

"Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" It doesnt say Jesus let him drown for a little while, or Jesus watched him fall. It says immediately. Jesus is always there, just waiting for us to stumble back into His arms. We cant doubt His promises, for they are the only solid ground we have.

Its also pretty comforting knowing that when everything seems to be falling apart, the One who holds the world, who created everything from nothing; is holding your heart.

And There's No One Left in The Orphans' Bed.

I always knew that I wanted to be an International Development major. Isn't that funny? Before I even knew what God had planned, I felt it deep down inside of me. Well, tonight is a night that this major is making my heart heavy. I read countless articles and books about all the injustice in the world, statistics about orphans in Africa or the cast system in India, enabling people to leave poverty, and my heart breaks. The last few days I have had the oppertunity to experience African culture from a group of people who live in Zimbabwe, and it just makes me miss Uganda so badly. My heart is literally aching right now. I started watching some videos that I had taken of this little boy named Eddy. He was singing and laughing. I couldn't hold my tears back. I laughed as he did his giggle and ached to hold him, ached to be near him and just hold him close.

After my time reminiscing over Uganda videos, I stumbled on Steven Curtis Chapman's website. I started to read his wife's blog. It was all about suffering. All about how she is dealing with losing her daughter after only 5 years. My heart broke again. But I came across something that (made me cry obviously) but filled me with some sort of hope. It started out with..

"Yesterday....17 months later, I still caught myself bargaining with God to give her back to me....To somehow let her be manifested so that I could just see her for a minute, or at least get a small whiff of her sweet, yet sweaty smell. I would have loved to just feel the sensation of me kissing the fat of her neck and blowing Zerberts until she giggled so hard she could barely speak!"

I know that the children at the orphanage where not my children, but I sure do love them, and miss them like crazy. But, maybe missing them is apart of the journey. Its apart of this life God has given us.

"In fact God entrusted me with it. Why? Trust me? I don't even want to talk about the "Why?"question.... But ultimately, God wanted to use our family to live out this kind of story here on Earth. I only pray that when people see us battling it out and crying our guts out and loving till it hurts, that they know we are doing our best to honor the ONE that blessed us with Maria for 5 beautiful years. Did I want more years? You better believe I did....But...I also know that Maria didn't live one day longer than she was supposed to. She was never going to learn to ride her bike without training wheels, drive a car, go on a date, or as Shaley observed...have a senior picture hanging on the senior picture wall....God knew all of that...He knows all of my pain...and somehow I am trusting that He alone is the ONE that is going to fix it, heal it, make it right....when it is time. Until then, I'll still be asking God to let me see her, feel her, smell her.....and if you see a woman who is a little disheveled walking the isles of TJ Maxx with tears streaming down her face....It's probably me! You see, know matter how much I can tell you it's getting easier, I still end up back where I started. I want so badly to be the strong Christian woman that keeps taking those steps ahead and making that awesome progress. Yet, when all is said and done, I think I'm going to have to settle for the Little Train that Could.... Tell Jesus...I think I can I think I can...and believe it...even when I don't!"

Woah, that is so hopeful right there. If a woman who had to burry her 5 year old daughter, can find the courage to go on each day, with hope that Jesus is in complete control and that He has ENTRUSTED us with our burden, then so can we. I think that relates to well to drinking the cup that we have been given. It may be bitter, but let it be Your will not mine Father. If Jesus was able to find the strength to say that before dying, so can we. We must pick up our cross. Our cross of loneliness and heart break. Of sadness and disappointment. Of longing and aching. We must keep going. We must take a big sip out of our cup and follow Him. Because Jesus never leads us someplace alone. He is right along side us each step of the way. Hunger and thirsting for righteousness, aching for the world to have no orphans or sadness is what Jesus has promised us that we will be filled. HE will fill us when our hearts ache. When it seems unbearable, listen to the faint whisper. He is there and He will never leave.

Missing them never gets easier. But for some reason, Jesus needs us here right now, and needs them there. And we will be back not a second too late.

Fear of the Wild.

Its a Sunday night, and I cant help but feel a little sad, a little hopeless. Sometimes its so hard for me to grasp this life and it leaves me tired. I know God has it under control and what I can see is only apart of the big picture, but as of now, I am dying to see the full image, dying to see what is ahead. I feel like every time I take a step forward I get pushed two steps back. I saw the movie "Where the Wild Things Are" last night. It was probably one of the most beautiful films I have ever seen. Its about adventure, the desire to be loved and the thirst for something more in this life. Its about how fear gets in the way of it all. I found that I could relate to Max a lot. Longing to be loved and accepted. Hating the change that happens when day breaks. Starving for adventure. When Max runs away, he escapes to a land where beasts run wild. A place where loneliness is all they know. Because he knew what it felt to be lonely, he took it upon himself to change it. He decides to change it to "a place where only the things you want to happen, would happen." Its not until after they start building this imaginary place they realize what they are looking for. They are looking for love. They are looking for acceptance. Which doesn't come in tall towers or underground tunnels. It came to them when they would sleep all together in a pile. It was that warmth that made the sun come out. That love that made everything okay, even when it wasn't. When Max realizes this, he decides he needs to go home. He leaves the island and travels home to his mother. Who, isn't mad. But Max is able to see her fear, to understand it. He hugs her, and for once it seems as though she understands him.

Its not what you have or where you are, but its who you love and how you treat them.

I think sometimes what we have to realize is that there is no such thing as a place where everything we want to happen will happen. As a matter of fact, sometimes God lets the things that we DONT want to happen, happen because of the bigger picture. Things wont always go the way we want them to. Pain is something that is a constant current pushing us along. But its in that we find something beautiful. Its in that we are able to see the pain and suffering of others. Its in that loneliness we are able to encounter God.

In the movie, they talk about the sun burning out. For as long as love is our driving force, the sun will never fade.

I feel sad tonight, but I know that its just apart of this big adventure.

We Are Blessed.

Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them saying:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:1-11

Going to Mars Hill church for the last month and a half, God has been opening my eyes to His beauty, to His heart. To a God who loves me more than I can fathom. To a God of acceptance and mercy, of grace and understanding. As a church, we have been studying the Sermon on the Mount. Every Sunday God stretches my mind and I am left with dwelling over what I learned for the rest of the week. It is such a blessing to be able to be apart of this church and body of the One great Love. Today, we heard a message on Matthew 5:8. "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." This verse is a lot different then all the other ones. Jesus' message in the previous lines is talking to the broken, to the people who didn't have it all together. To the sinners, to the liar's and thieves. Like Rob Bells puts it, He is speaking to those who don't have it all together. The people who try their hardest but seem to not get anywhere. That is who Jesus is talking to in the Sermon on the Mount. He is blessing those who aren't perfect. He is saying " I have room for you." But this verse is different, it is talking to "the pure in heart"... Uh oh..I think we look over that one, or at least look over the difference between the other ones. It wasn't until Kent Dobson, who taught us today, brought it to my attention just how different this verse is, and it scared me a little. If Jesus is saying that only the people with pure hearts can see God, then I am far from that, then my eyes must be glued shut. But, that doesn't really sound like our God of love, does it? Throughout the whole service I heard a little whisper in my ear. Kent opened my eyes to the fact that Jesus doesn't want us to be perfect, but what He does want is our impurities. He wants us to be pure in the thought that we AREN'T perfect. That we DON'T have it all together. Christ died for us so that we don't have to pretend. The mask we put on is much dirtier then the grim covering our hearts. God wants us to be pure from the inside out, not just on the outside. We can't pretend to Him that we have it all together. He knows how hard it is, He knows how far we have fallen, and yet.. He has still blessed us. He has still made room for us, those who don't deserve it. We will see God when we bring the dirt to Him, we will see God when we strive to live a life that He has told us, even though we fall short sometimes. God is looking for the heart that knows they are dirty, who knows that they are unworthy; and yet comes to His feet anyway, searching for His every powerful, cleansing, Hands of grace. It's a call to change from the inside out, but also an announcement of love. That He loves us so much, He wants us, dirt and all. And He will clear our eyes to see Him.

It is in our impurities we are made pure.

To be pure of heart doesn't mean to be perfect. Its in our realization of our impurity do we become pure. It's then God sees our brokenness, beautiful.

Over My Head.

Yesterday my step mom and I drove to see lake michigan. I have been there before but it has been one of her life "goals" to see it. So I drove about 40 minutes there. It was funny. As we were driving, the sky turned from blue and promising to dark and grey. The sky mirrored the constant struggle that is found deep in my soul. One second beaming with promise, the next questioning while the darkness creeps in. As we drove down the deserted streets I began to wonder why it was getting so dark. It had been beautiful all day and the fact that right when we decided to go see the lake, it decided to become stormy was frustrating. In spite of the weather we made it to the beach. It really is something to be in awe about. It is a lake with the characteristics of the ocean. The sand lines each side of the road. The wind made a transparent shield in front of me, causing me to struggle to see ahead of me. Sometimes I think driving is a silly concept. There are so many times when it makes no sense to keep driving forward. The wind was pushing my car back, while the sand was making a cloud of doubt in front of me. I couldn't see. But yet, I kept driving, kept moving. Sound familiar? I think sometimes that is like life. There is no reason to keep trying or keep going forward because the cloud of sand in front of you is just too thick to see, too thick to try and figure it out.. and yet we hear it. We hear the slight whisper telling us to keep going, to just drive a little further. Maybe, the struggle is part of the reward. The struggle against the wind and the things that block our visions just make what we are there for even more spectacular. To make the destination worth it. Finally, we were able to see the entrance to the parking lot. I parked, and there it was in front of us. A huge body of water that seemed to have no end. Before us was a gigantic promise of hope. As the wind caused giant swells in the water and the waves crashed on the beach, I saw hope. I saw that sometimes things aren't always as they seem. In terms of the word mighty, lakes definitely don't hold much power. The ocean is the thing that comes to mind when we want to picture something of power. The oceans waves are something that never stop. Sometimes the waves are strong and powerful, angry thrashes at the sand and anything that comes in its path. Sometimes the waves are calm and inviting, relaxing and promising. The ocean can change moods, can radiate truth and love. Why? I dont know, maybe because we are able to see just how small we are. That we can stand on the shore and look out and have hope that we have a God that is so much bigger. Standing on the shore of lake michigan yesterday, I saw myself. Just a lake, trying to be strong, trying to imitate a mighty ocean. And although sometimes you could be fooled from just looking at it, once you taste it: the water is fresh water instead of salt water. From the outside it is an ocean, but once you really investigate, the ocean is just a lake, trying not to be lost in the sand and fog.

He has a purpose for us. His promises never end nor do they fail.

If the sand and troubles of this life block our eyes.

He is still the water that will bring us relief.

If the storm clouds above us bring threatening thoughts of failure, sadness and doubt.

He is still the Holder of our hearts.

If behind the cloud of sand, the cloud of doubt and fear; there is a lake.

He is still the ocean.

No mater how much we feel like we are in over our heads, He knows just how big we are, He knows just the right amount of water to touch the tip of our head but not a single drop more. He will never give us something that we cannot handle. He wants us to handle it. He wants us to keep driving, even if we cant see. He wants us to stay afloat, even when we do feel like we are 10 feet under water. It is only till then that we can see His promises ever more clearly. Until the water that is slowly covering us is replaced by His love and we are immersed in it.

He is still bigger than anything He puts in front of us.

And while we stand at the shore of His ocean, holding on the promise that He has given us.

His waves will wash over our feet and clear our eyes.

Just keep going forward.

After the words have all been said

After the songs are sung

I realize I've only but just begun

Trying to wrap my mind around

Extravagant love come down

Leaves me undone

Finds me with nothing to say

The reach of Your fame

The power in Your name

Your glory surrounds me

It's over my head

It's over my head

The shame of the cross

For all that it cost

This friendship astounds me

It's over my head

It's over my head

Unquenchable songs and endless praise

A million tongues poised to sing

Could still not convey

The worth that Your name deserves

Beauty for ashes

Joy for pain

Mercy instead of my blame

Ruins me for more

I'm lost in Your presence, Lord

Hallelujah...

Lost for the words to say

I'm left here in disarray

Waiting for You, waiting on truth

I've thrown reason overboard

Knowing that there's still more

I don't yet believe, I can't even perceive

I can't seem to understand

Can't seem to find my way

It's over my head, it's over my head

Learning this mystery

Trust what I cannot see

It's over my head, it's over my head

The wonder of all You've made

Foundations Your hands have laid

Bringing me back to my knees, to my knees

I'm lost for the words to say

Lost for another way

Bringing me back to my knees, to my knees

I'm lost for the words to say

Lost for another way

Ruined for anything other than Your love

I'm desperate to know You, Lord

Desperate for what's in store

Finding my hope in only You, in only You

Take me beyond this door

Lead me to something more

Open my heart up for more of You, more of You.