Taste and See.

Currently, I feel weak. I think the fog that has been following me around lately has gone into my immune system and now I am sick. It really stinks as I have so much work to do in the next few days. I am sitting in the coffee kitchen baking four cakes. The snow is falling outside my window and I am listening to Steven Curtis Chapman (obviously). The song "See" may be one of the most beautifully haunting songs I have ever heard. As I listen to it, I drift away from this place of chaos and doubt and into the arms of my Savior.

Lord, give me a faith like that. A faith that doesn't doubt the second things go cloudy. Give me a heart that waits to see.

Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Beauty Will Rise.

We are all breakable girls and boys.

As the days go on, I am starting to see a common thread among us. We are all broken, in the process of breaking or rising from the break. It doesn't matter from what or from whom, but all of us share this. I walk passed people and hear their comments about something, I see it in the eyes of an old friend, I feel it in my own heart. Here is my question. If we are all broken, breaking or have been broken.. why do we continue to live like we do? Have you ever stopped to think that while we carry on in the destruction of our own lives, we are causing the destruction in another's life? Jesus came to save us from the destruction we cause, but I think we need to start asking Him to save us from ourselves, rather than change our circumstance. I am learning a lot through the confusion that I seem to be living in for the last few months. Sometimes it seems unbearable, but today I realized something. When I need to understand, when Jesus needs me to see.. I will. It is as simple as that. Whatever you are waiting for, whatever you are hoping and praying for.. He will answer that prayer, He will speak to you when you need to be spoken too. He will answer that prayer when it needs to be answered. Until then, He wants us to keep asking, keep trusting and keep believing. He has more for us, if we see past our own destruction and let Him show us. The courage it takes to step outside of who we are and be the person He has meant us to be is hard, especially when we may not exactly know what that means. But I think its pretty simple.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

The key for beauty to rise is within our hearts. Within the love we show amongst our own pain and fear, and deep inside our longing for hope.

Safe In His Arms.

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart

And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart

I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own

but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas

Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet

With a love so strong He'll never let you go

oh you're not alone

You will be safe in His arms

You will be safe in His arms

'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart

This is the promise He made

He will be with You always

When everything is falling apart

You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life

Is the very same voice that calls you to rise

So hear Him now He's calling you home

You will never be alone

These are the hands that built the mountains

the hands that calm the seas

These are the arms that hold the heavens

they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper

Pulled the lame up to their feet

These are the arms that were nailed to a cross

to break our chains and set us free

These words are crying out to me tonight. This world tires me out, the constant pull of this life leaves me worn out. Why do I keep leaving His arms? Why do I keep doubting His divine power and strength? It seems the moment I leave His arms the winds of this life scoop me up and toss me around. Its draining. Its draining to feel not enough. But wait, why do I keep leaving? Don't I realize that in His arms I have everything I will ever need? He has made a promise and He will keep me safe. Its only when I leave His arms is when the torments and hurt of this world hit. I shouldn't ask myself why this life is so hard, but I should ask why do I leave His arms in the first place. He never said that the road He leads us down would be clear, never once did He say that everything will go our way or that disappointments or challenges would never happen. However what He has promised is that within His arms, we will have everything we need. Time and time again I find myself at my ropes end, face down in tears begging for the creator to come near. But maybe, it needs to be the other way. He is there, begging for ME to come near. This is the Jesus that nothing is too big nor too small for Him, why do I doubt His capability to hold my heart? He has chosen this path for me. He has planned every single day out and knows every tear I will cry. Why do I leave the comfort of His shoulder and try to face the battle alone? The problem is within my heart. Within our minds. Within this need for us to figure it out on own, to battle the storm without the help of its creator.

"Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me."

Jesus called Him, Peter heard the call, but doubted. He saw the wind, and doubted the Savior, he lost sight of the hope that He had.

"Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" It doesnt say Jesus let him drown for a little while, or Jesus watched him fall. It says immediately. Jesus is always there, just waiting for us to stumble back into His arms. We cant doubt His promises, for they are the only solid ground we have.

Its also pretty comforting knowing that when everything seems to be falling apart, the One who holds the world, who created everything from nothing; is holding your heart.

And There's No One Left in The Orphans' Bed.

I always knew that I wanted to be an International Development major. Isn't that funny? Before I even knew what God had planned, I felt it deep down inside of me. Well, tonight is a night that this major is making my heart heavy. I read countless articles and books about all the injustice in the world, statistics about orphans in Africa or the cast system in India, enabling people to leave poverty, and my heart breaks. The last few days I have had the oppertunity to experience African culture from a group of people who live in Zimbabwe, and it just makes me miss Uganda so badly. My heart is literally aching right now. I started watching some videos that I had taken of this little boy named Eddy. He was singing and laughing. I couldn't hold my tears back. I laughed as he did his giggle and ached to hold him, ached to be near him and just hold him close.

After my time reminiscing over Uganda videos, I stumbled on Steven Curtis Chapman's website. I started to read his wife's blog. It was all about suffering. All about how she is dealing with losing her daughter after only 5 years. My heart broke again. But I came across something that (made me cry obviously) but filled me with some sort of hope. It started out with..

"Yesterday....17 months later, I still caught myself bargaining with God to give her back to me....To somehow let her be manifested so that I could just see her for a minute, or at least get a small whiff of her sweet, yet sweaty smell. I would have loved to just feel the sensation of me kissing the fat of her neck and blowing Zerberts until she giggled so hard she could barely speak!"

I know that the children at the orphanage where not my children, but I sure do love them, and miss them like crazy. But, maybe missing them is apart of the journey. Its apart of this life God has given us.

"In fact God entrusted me with it. Why? Trust me? I don't even want to talk about the "Why?"question.... But ultimately, God wanted to use our family to live out this kind of story here on Earth. I only pray that when people see us battling it out and crying our guts out and loving till it hurts, that they know we are doing our best to honor the ONE that blessed us with Maria for 5 beautiful years. Did I want more years? You better believe I did....But...I also know that Maria didn't live one day longer than she was supposed to. She was never going to learn to ride her bike without training wheels, drive a car, go on a date, or as Shaley observed...have a senior picture hanging on the senior picture wall....God knew all of that...He knows all of my pain...and somehow I am trusting that He alone is the ONE that is going to fix it, heal it, make it right....when it is time. Until then, I'll still be asking God to let me see her, feel her, smell her.....and if you see a woman who is a little disheveled walking the isles of TJ Maxx with tears streaming down her face....It's probably me! You see, know matter how much I can tell you it's getting easier, I still end up back where I started. I want so badly to be the strong Christian woman that keeps taking those steps ahead and making that awesome progress. Yet, when all is said and done, I think I'm going to have to settle for the Little Train that Could.... Tell Jesus...I think I can I think I can...and believe it...even when I don't!"

Woah, that is so hopeful right there. If a woman who had to burry her 5 year old daughter, can find the courage to go on each day, with hope that Jesus is in complete control and that He has ENTRUSTED us with our burden, then so can we. I think that relates to well to drinking the cup that we have been given. It may be bitter, but let it be Your will not mine Father. If Jesus was able to find the strength to say that before dying, so can we. We must pick up our cross. Our cross of loneliness and heart break. Of sadness and disappointment. Of longing and aching. We must keep going. We must take a big sip out of our cup and follow Him. Because Jesus never leads us someplace alone. He is right along side us each step of the way. Hunger and thirsting for righteousness, aching for the world to have no orphans or sadness is what Jesus has promised us that we will be filled. HE will fill us when our hearts ache. When it seems unbearable, listen to the faint whisper. He is there and He will never leave.

Missing them never gets easier. But for some reason, Jesus needs us here right now, and needs them there. And we will be back not a second too late.

Fear of the Wild.

Its a Sunday night, and I cant help but feel a little sad, a little hopeless. Sometimes its so hard for me to grasp this life and it leaves me tired. I know God has it under control and what I can see is only apart of the big picture, but as of now, I am dying to see the full image, dying to see what is ahead. I feel like every time I take a step forward I get pushed two steps back. I saw the movie "Where the Wild Things Are" last night. It was probably one of the most beautiful films I have ever seen. Its about adventure, the desire to be loved and the thirst for something more in this life. Its about how fear gets in the way of it all. I found that I could relate to Max a lot. Longing to be loved and accepted. Hating the change that happens when day breaks. Starving for adventure. When Max runs away, he escapes to a land where beasts run wild. A place where loneliness is all they know. Because he knew what it felt to be lonely, he took it upon himself to change it. He decides to change it to "a place where only the things you want to happen, would happen." Its not until after they start building this imaginary place they realize what they are looking for. They are looking for love. They are looking for acceptance. Which doesn't come in tall towers or underground tunnels. It came to them when they would sleep all together in a pile. It was that warmth that made the sun come out. That love that made everything okay, even when it wasn't. When Max realizes this, he decides he needs to go home. He leaves the island and travels home to his mother. Who, isn't mad. But Max is able to see her fear, to understand it. He hugs her, and for once it seems as though she understands him.

Its not what you have or where you are, but its who you love and how you treat them.

I think sometimes what we have to realize is that there is no such thing as a place where everything we want to happen will happen. As a matter of fact, sometimes God lets the things that we DONT want to happen, happen because of the bigger picture. Things wont always go the way we want them to. Pain is something that is a constant current pushing us along. But its in that we find something beautiful. Its in that we are able to see the pain and suffering of others. Its in that loneliness we are able to encounter God.

In the movie, they talk about the sun burning out. For as long as love is our driving force, the sun will never fade.

I feel sad tonight, but I know that its just apart of this big adventure.

We Are Blessed.

Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them saying:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:1-11

Going to Mars Hill church for the last month and a half, God has been opening my eyes to His beauty, to His heart. To a God who loves me more than I can fathom. To a God of acceptance and mercy, of grace and understanding. As a church, we have been studying the Sermon on the Mount. Every Sunday God stretches my mind and I am left with dwelling over what I learned for the rest of the week. It is such a blessing to be able to be apart of this church and body of the One great Love. Today, we heard a message on Matthew 5:8. "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." This verse is a lot different then all the other ones. Jesus' message in the previous lines is talking to the broken, to the people who didn't have it all together. To the sinners, to the liar's and thieves. Like Rob Bells puts it, He is speaking to those who don't have it all together. The people who try their hardest but seem to not get anywhere. That is who Jesus is talking to in the Sermon on the Mount. He is blessing those who aren't perfect. He is saying " I have room for you." But this verse is different, it is talking to "the pure in heart"... Uh oh..I think we look over that one, or at least look over the difference between the other ones. It wasn't until Kent Dobson, who taught us today, brought it to my attention just how different this verse is, and it scared me a little. If Jesus is saying that only the people with pure hearts can see God, then I am far from that, then my eyes must be glued shut. But, that doesn't really sound like our God of love, does it? Throughout the whole service I heard a little whisper in my ear. Kent opened my eyes to the fact that Jesus doesn't want us to be perfect, but what He does want is our impurities. He wants us to be pure in the thought that we AREN'T perfect. That we DON'T have it all together. Christ died for us so that we don't have to pretend. The mask we put on is much dirtier then the grim covering our hearts. God wants us to be pure from the inside out, not just on the outside. We can't pretend to Him that we have it all together. He knows how hard it is, He knows how far we have fallen, and yet.. He has still blessed us. He has still made room for us, those who don't deserve it. We will see God when we bring the dirt to Him, we will see God when we strive to live a life that He has told us, even though we fall short sometimes. God is looking for the heart that knows they are dirty, who knows that they are unworthy; and yet comes to His feet anyway, searching for His every powerful, cleansing, Hands of grace. It's a call to change from the inside out, but also an announcement of love. That He loves us so much, He wants us, dirt and all. And He will clear our eyes to see Him.

It is in our impurities we are made pure.

To be pure of heart doesn't mean to be perfect. Its in our realization of our impurity do we become pure. It's then God sees our brokenness, beautiful.

Over My Head.

Yesterday my step mom and I drove to see lake michigan. I have been there before but it has been one of her life "goals" to see it. So I drove about 40 minutes there. It was funny. As we were driving, the sky turned from blue and promising to dark and grey. The sky mirrored the constant struggle that is found deep in my soul. One second beaming with promise, the next questioning while the darkness creeps in. As we drove down the deserted streets I began to wonder why it was getting so dark. It had been beautiful all day and the fact that right when we decided to go see the lake, it decided to become stormy was frustrating. In spite of the weather we made it to the beach. It really is something to be in awe about. It is a lake with the characteristics of the ocean. The sand lines each side of the road. The wind made a transparent shield in front of me, causing me to struggle to see ahead of me. Sometimes I think driving is a silly concept. There are so many times when it makes no sense to keep driving forward. The wind was pushing my car back, while the sand was making a cloud of doubt in front of me. I couldn't see. But yet, I kept driving, kept moving. Sound familiar? I think sometimes that is like life. There is no reason to keep trying or keep going forward because the cloud of sand in front of you is just too thick to see, too thick to try and figure it out.. and yet we hear it. We hear the slight whisper telling us to keep going, to just drive a little further. Maybe, the struggle is part of the reward. The struggle against the wind and the things that block our visions just make what we are there for even more spectacular. To make the destination worth it. Finally, we were able to see the entrance to the parking lot. I parked, and there it was in front of us. A huge body of water that seemed to have no end. Before us was a gigantic promise of hope. As the wind caused giant swells in the water and the waves crashed on the beach, I saw hope. I saw that sometimes things aren't always as they seem. In terms of the word mighty, lakes definitely don't hold much power. The ocean is the thing that comes to mind when we want to picture something of power. The oceans waves are something that never stop. Sometimes the waves are strong and powerful, angry thrashes at the sand and anything that comes in its path. Sometimes the waves are calm and inviting, relaxing and promising. The ocean can change moods, can radiate truth and love. Why? I dont know, maybe because we are able to see just how small we are. That we can stand on the shore and look out and have hope that we have a God that is so much bigger. Standing on the shore of lake michigan yesterday, I saw myself. Just a lake, trying to be strong, trying to imitate a mighty ocean. And although sometimes you could be fooled from just looking at it, once you taste it: the water is fresh water instead of salt water. From the outside it is an ocean, but once you really investigate, the ocean is just a lake, trying not to be lost in the sand and fog.

He has a purpose for us. His promises never end nor do they fail.

If the sand and troubles of this life block our eyes.

He is still the water that will bring us relief.

If the storm clouds above us bring threatening thoughts of failure, sadness and doubt.

He is still the Holder of our hearts.

If behind the cloud of sand, the cloud of doubt and fear; there is a lake.

He is still the ocean.

No mater how much we feel like we are in over our heads, He knows just how big we are, He knows just the right amount of water to touch the tip of our head but not a single drop more. He will never give us something that we cannot handle. He wants us to handle it. He wants us to keep driving, even if we cant see. He wants us to stay afloat, even when we do feel like we are 10 feet under water. It is only till then that we can see His promises ever more clearly. Until the water that is slowly covering us is replaced by His love and we are immersed in it.

He is still bigger than anything He puts in front of us.

And while we stand at the shore of His ocean, holding on the promise that He has given us.

His waves will wash over our feet and clear our eyes.

Just keep going forward.

After the words have all been said

After the songs are sung

I realize I've only but just begun

Trying to wrap my mind around

Extravagant love come down

Leaves me undone

Finds me with nothing to say

The reach of Your fame

The power in Your name

Your glory surrounds me

It's over my head

It's over my head

The shame of the cross

For all that it cost

This friendship astounds me

It's over my head

It's over my head

Unquenchable songs and endless praise

A million tongues poised to sing

Could still not convey

The worth that Your name deserves

Beauty for ashes

Joy for pain

Mercy instead of my blame

Ruins me for more

I'm lost in Your presence, Lord

Hallelujah...

Lost for the words to say

I'm left here in disarray

Waiting for You, waiting on truth

I've thrown reason overboard

Knowing that there's still more

I don't yet believe, I can't even perceive

I can't seem to understand

Can't seem to find my way

It's over my head, it's over my head

Learning this mystery

Trust what I cannot see

It's over my head, it's over my head

The wonder of all You've made

Foundations Your hands have laid

Bringing me back to my knees, to my knees

I'm lost for the words to say

Lost for another way

Bringing me back to my knees, to my knees

I'm lost for the words to say

Lost for another way

Ruined for anything other than Your love

I'm desperate to know You, Lord

Desperate for what's in store

Finding my hope in only You, in only You

Take me beyond this door

Lead me to something more

Open my heart up for more of You, more of You.

For A Hundred Years.

I remember when I was little I used to lay in my bed at night. I would be so afraid. I dont remember about what, but something about the night scared me. I would make sure my dad was locked into his room and i would wait until the silence was all that I heard. I would quickly slide out of my bed and open my door. I would look both ways, afraid my dad was not in his room like I thought. I would then hold my breath, and run as fast as my little legs could carry me down the hall. I would open the door to brightness, to warmth. My grandma or as I called her, non. I can picture her now, sitting on her chair, watching reruns of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". I would sit on her floor and we would just talk for hours. She would always reassure me that there was nothing to be afraid of. She would walk me to my room and sit at the foot of my bed and rub my leg. I loved just knowing she was there. Sometimes she would even sing to me.

My grandma was an amazing person. She had the most amazing heart of anyone I have ever met in my life. She left her life completely for me and my brother. She stopped her world, to take care of me. From the time I was 3 years old we did everything together. Whether that means going to Welsh Farms in fall, buying me new school clothes for the school year or taking me to the pool in the summer, and never did she complain. She was a woman of strength. The kind of strength that I wish I could have. She had serious leg problems, shoulder problems and back problems. Pain was something that was constant in her life. Physically and mentally. Her daughter died, her husband died, all of her sisters died: and she was left. But she never let those obstacles in her life get in the way of her love. She demonstrated love in ways that I will never forget. Whether it was picking me up from school everyday of her life, sacrificing everything that she had or if it was never giving up. She taught me to never give up.

She died on September 16,2008. But she is always with me. Every time I go to a diner and someone starts mopping the floor, I can hear her yelling at the waiter telling them its rude and unsanitary, every time I drink Sprite, I can feel the hundreds of 12 packs of Sprite that I have carried in for her, and every time I see a rose, I see her beauty. I am so thankful that I got to have her as not only as my grandma, but as a mother. Without my grandma, I really believe that I would be some place so different today if it wasn't for her. I actually know that. Her life and her role in my life shows me that God's plan is so much bigger than we can imagine.

I wish anything right now that she could just be sitting at the bottom of my bed, reassuring me that everything will be okay. I think maybe she is.

Bring Me To A Clear Focus.

I am coming to learn that fear and trust go hand in hand. It is hard to trust. Its even harder to go through your day with fear. Fear is something I battle daily. Fear of not being accepted, fear of being forgotten, or left. Fear of being replaceable, fear of not being good enough, of being invisible. Which causes me to shut off sometimes. But what is that really saying? I think my weakness is not so much fear, but trust. If I can't trust that Gods plan is better than mine, that each thing that happens that causes me to fear is HIM doing it, to instill in me something. Instill in me something that I need to know. Each day that I wake up, and praise His name.. is a step closer to forgetting my weakness. Its a step closer to letting my weakness die to His name. Its hard to trust, especially when fear's voice is whispering in my ear the whole time. But maybe, what if I was to stop listening to that voice, and listen to the wind instead. Hear His promise in the sound of the rain hitting the pavement. Feeling His hand in mine as He begs me to trust Him. Each time a situation comes, I have a choice. Choice one: to give up. To give into the fear, to lay down and let the enemy have His way. Or, there is choice two: to fight back. To put on the shield and armor of Christ and fight each day. To not let the worrying make me doubt God's plan. That doesn't always mean being strong. Being strong does not mean having no fear or doubts. Being strong doesn't mean you have it all together. It doesn't mean we don't trip and fall, cry while broken and damaged. But being strong means we keep going. Through each of life's set backs and disappointments. Through the fear and uncertainty. Being strong is simply to keep going. To not give up or to give in. Being strong is being aware of how weak we really are, and giving the control to the One who is never weak or weary.

Each morning when I wake up and open my eyes, the world around me is blurry. My eyes feel dry and unfocused. I scan the room around me of shapes and colors that I can't decipher of what they actually may be. Sometimes things look even scary when I can't seem them. I can't describe what things look like but my imagination has a way of turning bookshelves into murders or chairs in animals. I can try my hardest to see what they actually are but I never can. I can squint, I can try on my own for hours but my vision never changes. It is not until I put my glasses on do things become clear. I think that goes hand in hand with trust and fear. We can try to see through the fear and doubt. We can squint and try to see perspective and what is actual reality. But all the squinting will just leave us with a head ache and tired of trying, tired of trying to do things on our own. But once we put our "glasses" on by taking His hand. Trusting Him that everything in our path is there for a reason. Trusting that that actually the murderer is just a bookshelf, or the pain we feel is just temporary. It's not until we can trust Him with the fear that we suffer with will things start to become clear.

I have to be honest. I have been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy lately. I am addicted. But I find myself seeing Christ in weird ways through each episode. The show always starts with a quote. The quotes always seem to have something to do with longing. Longing for acceptance, for love, for meaning. Aren't we all longing for that in some way or another? Well, He is offering it to us. He is promising that in Him. He is promising that the people He has put in our lives right now, are there for a reason. And those that left, they left for a reason. Whether they left by their choice or He called them home. That all happened for a reason. And that longing will be satisfied. Through Him and the plans that He has. Each time we reach out, or let someone in.. we are carrying out His will. He is so close. He is right here. He is waiting for us. He is waiting for us to let the fear out and His love and promises in.

"I have got no one to blame, excepts if that someone is me

I washed my hands but just the same

My eyes confess for me

I come in filthy rags

You know I'm guilty

I wake up almost every night saying Your name

What I would give to walk in the light

But what I hide has made me lame

My face down on the ground I wait to hear the healing sound

You break through my deafness

Swing open the curtain

And I find the courage

To get up and walk

I forget my weakness

For You have answered my loneliness

Through the mud on my eyes I can see my hope has come

You will have to show me where to go its been so long since I used my feet

I got up today a cripple, and i am now dancing

The power of Your move not stop with what I can see

You break through my deafness

Swing open the curtain

And I find the courage to get up and walk

I forget my weakness

You have answered my loneliness

Through the mud on my eyes I can see

My hope has come"

Time Means Nothing.

So I have tried to write this twice already. The first time was way too honest and I don't know if I have enough courage to post something like that. The second one was selfish and not God speaking. So hopefully this is what He is trying to tell me.

I am afraid of growing up. I am afraid of things changing. I am afraid of time, not having enough of it. It seems when you are having the most fun time goes fast, but when you are miserable time stands still. Do you think God does that for a reason? That maybe He is saying that we are supposed to suffer a little longer, so we can experience joy afterwards? Maybe, He is saying that time isn't important. We are where we are for a certain amount of time for a reason. Things happen, things last for a certain amount of time and then they end: for a reason. Maybe time isn't as important as we make it out to be. If everything is apart of His plan, then its apart of HIS timing. That is different from the 24 hour days that we have I think. There are times when where we would rather be, and where God has us be are very different. Times when you would rather be with someone else, or be some place else. But God has us here for a reason, and maybe it will seem like a long time, like a pit stop in our life that never seems to end; but its apart of Gods timing. He is the maker of time, the controller of the sun, we do not need to fear. Once we take our eyes off the clock, and fix our eyes onto Him; He will bring us to where we need to be.

"It’s dark now and I am very tired. I love you, always. Time is nothing." 

-The Time Travelers Wife.

Throw Me a Lifeline.

To feel like you dont belong anywhere is the worst feeling. 

I Want To Be In The Light.

Yes, its a two post kind of day.

I laid on my floor in my living room for about twenty minutes, praying God would tell me what to do. To just make it clear for me. I found myself laying in my confusion. I thought " I dont even know which way is up anymore." But then I found myself answering " the light is always up".

Sometimes She Dreams The Most Beautiful Dreams.

So, once again God played the right song at the right time. I was driving home from the eye doctor this morning and the rain was pouring down, literally and metaphorically. I watched the light in front of me change from green to yellow to red. I stopped and watched the rain drops disperse on my windshield. Right when they landed from the sky they bounced off each other and slipped down, as if they knew something that I didn't. The light changed, and with that a song started. "Magnificent Obsession" by Steven Curtis Chapman played through the rain and cut deeply into my heart.

Lord, You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life’s complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I’m chasing down the wind
But now it’s brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I’ve never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You’ve shown me
Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me

Within the first 30 seconds, I found myself with chills everywhere. This song is my prayer. I have been so afraid of everything slipping away lately, I forgot about the One who gave it all to me. I have been so caught up in trying to control my dreams, that I took them from His hands. I have been chasing the wind for so long, I am finally back into the Light of His shadow. If  He is all that I desire, than why should I worry about anything else? He will figure out all the complications if I am kneeling at His throne. I tend to obsess about things. It doesn't matter what, but once I get something stuck in my head, it's like I have a repeat button in my head that is always on. But here is a thought, what if I let the uncertainty go, and just obsessed about Him. What if I had a repeat of Him going on and on in my head and on my heart. "Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things. let all my dreams fall to the ground

until this one remains." Woah. That hit me hard. If I let all my dreams fall to His feet, what would I need to worry about? He can handle them better than I can, and then my eyes will only be focused on Him and His majesty. 

I have been so afraid lately, because I have been holding onto my dreams so tightly. But I think to gain, I need to let go. I need to let go of each of them, put them at His feet, and keep His words of love on repeat in my head. Until only one dream remains, and that is Him. Everything else He will sort through, but He is dying to be my "magnificent obsession". He DID die so that we would give Him everything. 

But what if He wants something a little different, something a little more. Instead of "giving" Him everything, what if we made Him everything in our lives. 

Be my Magnificent Obsession.

A Letter of Hope Through The Storm.

Dear My beloved,

You look beautiful. The way the sun is hitting your face makes you shine and your hazel eyes remind Me of your mothers. Thank you for calling Me, I've been waiting. Lately you have been asking Me "why" a lot. And I am going to tell you.

Its because I love you. I love you more than you can ever imagine. Everything that is happening to you, everything you are going through right now is because My love for you is bigger. Its bigger than your life right now, its bigger than the obstacle that you are trying to face. That is why. I want you to search your heart right now. Think about everything that you are afraid of, everything that makes you sad and hurt. Now, I want you to give up control. Let go of all of that. I love you so much that I want to have the control, because Megan, I know best. I know best because My love for you is stronger. I am stronger. Every time you feel that feeling in your throat, every time your heart aches, every time you don't feel good enough, pretty enough or smart enough: I feel that too. I ache more than you do. In the rain, My tear drops fall from the hurt I feel watching your pain. When your heart breaks, My hands burn from where the nails pierced. When you are struck with confusion and rejection the thorns in My head are pushed harder. When you hurt, I hurt. And I wish I could take it from you. Every ounce of hurt you feel, I wish I could take: but I can't. You see, I cant stop the pain, I can't take away the hurt you feel. But what I can do is promise you that you are not alone, and the pain that you are feeling is apart of something bigger. That every time your heart breaks, Mine is breaking too. Each time you feel like the road keeps getting darker, I am right behind you, and I know the way. You don't have to fear what is ahead, because I have been there before. I know what is waiting for you, and you don't have to be afraid. Everything may not be how you want it to be, but I promise I won't leave you. I know that the thought of people leaving is scary to you, but I never will. I am constant. When it seems as if everyone has deserted you, just call My name, and you will see, clearer than ever: that I am there. It wont be easy, but its not supposed to be easy. This is the cup that you have been given. I have chosen you for this life. Do you know why? Because I know that you can do it. I know that you are strong enough to face what I have put in your cup. Do not be afraid of it. Do not resist it. And when each sip gets harder to drink, I promise you that I will mop of the droplets that spill. Did you ever stop to think what tears are made of? Or better yet, what they taste like? They taste like nothing. They are basically water. That is part of My divine plan beautiful. Each time a tear falls into your cup, it does not change the bitter and harsh taste, but it does slowly start to dilute it. Within each tear, a boost of strength comes that gives you the courage to drink it. Before you know it after the suffering is gone, in front of you the cup of pain has turned into a cup of water. Pure. I will make you pure. I will make you strong. Just trust Me. Trust Me more than you trust yourself. And drink the cup with hope, that one day the bitter taste will be swapped with the refreshing taste of water. I know that the rain is coming down hard. I know that it is hard to see, but I promise it will stop. One day. But until then, come and rest within My arms of love. We can watch the rain fall and dream of stars.

Remember, each time you are rejected, each time you are made to feel less than you are, remember Me. Remember that you are not hurting alone. Before we could have an understanding God, we needed a suffering Savior. Well, thats Me. I know all about pain and rejection. I know all about suffering. So don't doubt me. Don't turn away from me. No one loves you as much as I do. And do Me one favor. Do not put Me in a box. I am bigger than you can dare to dream. So dream big, but keep in mind that I am even bigger. 

I love you. Do not doubt that. Just look towards the cross and feel Me in the breeze. I am there.

When the rain comes it seems that everyone has
gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't
find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain 
But I will hold you 'til it goes away
When the rain comes
you blame it on the things that
you have done
When the storm fades 
you know that rain must fall
on everyone
Rest awhile
it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do
When the rain comes
I will hold you

Now That I Have Seen I Am Responsible.

Okay I am writing again for today.

I am sitting on the couch. The sky is dark outside, but it seems that the rain has just stopped. Today is the first day I am not running around, but it seems that my mind didn't get that memo, for it is miles and miles away. I am dreaming of the future. Dreaming of what He has in store. And dreaming of an idea that He has placed on my heart.

My mind dreams of a place in Africa. I do not know where, for that piece is not needed yet while the vision is still coming to me. I picture a place where not many Americans or other people go.  A place that is off the beaten path. Hope in the darkness. I picture a house up on a hill, that seems to come from the clouds. The house looks welcoming and inviting, when you would look at it, your first thought wouldn't be, "oh that is an orphanage, those poor kids" but rather, " that place is full of love". The house doesn't need a lot of things because that isn't the point. But rather, laughter in the place of furniture, smiles in the place of materialism and God in the place of our needs. The halls will be filled of children who have suffered immensely in their lives but have now found a place of rest. Maybe their parents died, maybe their parents just couldn't take care of them, either way it wouldn't matter. Each child would feel loved and welcomed, and never feel the weight of their past upon their shoulders. Where you live, shouldn't determine if you live. That is what I see as the motto. And "live" I think can mean actually live and breathe, as well as LIVE in Christ. Their past wont stand in the way of their future.  Their continent won't stand in the way of their future. They will learn the things that have changed my life. They will learn to read and absorb literature. They will learn to write and express themselves. They will learn HOW much they are loved by their Savior and how He has so much more for them. They will learn to take pictures and become living and breathing inspirations to their city and country. But most importantly, they will feel like they belong. They will never be left, for He never leaves. He has instilled upon me this dream. This dream of loving these children who have been abandoned and rejected. Every child deserves to be loved and to FEEL loved. My dream is that these children will.

Gracious Father, You have given me this dream for a reason. You have planted this seed in my heart. Father, show me Your will. Teach me and reveal to me Your plan. Let this not be about me, but about YOUR Love Father. You have called us to care for Your children, send me. Provide for me the people and the resources to make this dream into a reality. It seems that it would be at least 4 years before this can become a reality, Lord instill in me patience. Teach me to wait for You. Wait for the right time. So many things could fall through in that long of a time Father, and that frightens me. But help me to remember whatever falls through, You have done it for me not against me. Bring clarity for Your plans Father. I have so many hopes and dreams about it Lord, but let it not be my will, but Your will. 

I love You. Thank You. 

The Hardest Part.

So I was cleaning my room, and I stumbled across a letter a friend wrote me. Before the letter, she attached a quote on it. It really hit me.

"Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small , like when we do a bad thing, for a good reason. Some are bigger, like when we let down a friend. Some of us escape the pangs of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret, because we're looking forward to the future. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past. And sometimes we bury our regret, by promising to change our ways. But our biggest regrets are not for the things we did... but the things we didn't do."

I thought about that quote today as I drove to the airport dropping a friend off. The airport is probably one of my favorite places in this world. I could sit there for hours and watch the people rush to get to their destinations, as well as seeing people arriving home. I enjoy seeing all the different people interact with one another. It seems that the airport is one place where differences are put aside and everyone is rushing towards one goal. Getting to their destination, safely. Putting all fears, beliefs and backgrounds behind. Whether that means they are going some place on vacation, following God for missions or just going home. Or maybe its more tragic. Maybe someone is running away, hiding from their past, hoping that when they arrive to wherever the plane lands everything will be different. The airport is a place of joy and sorrow. Fear and hope. I see each of those things each time a plane takes off and my mind wanders as to who is on that plane and where they are going. 

Watching planes take off, shows me God. I picture His hand under each plane, gently gliding it upwards. I think its funny the things we are willing to do, and yet how the littlest things can scare us. According to flightware.com 49,000 commercial flights take off daily. That blows my mind. After everything that has happened dealing with planes, and just the fact in general that people are able to trust that a metal box can fly thousands of feet into the air for long periods of time: it gives me hope. I think fear and regret go hand in hand. We chose not to do things because we are scared of the outcome. We chose not to help, not to love because it scares us. But here is an idea. Every time a plane takes off, each time we hear the rumble of the engine above us; it is proof that God can take our fear and turn into hope. If we are willing to risk, if we are willing to fear, He will guide us the rest of the way. Taking the step is a hard decision to make. Trusting that where we will get off will be worth it is enough to make us change our plans. However, once in the air we are free, once we chose that fear is not an option but a feeling, we can't fall. And once our plane lands, regret is far from us and the fear that lurked on our shoulders is now found in the trail of the journey. Because stepping onto the plane is the hardest part. But maybe, the plane is a metaphor. What if stepping onto a plane, was giving ourselves completely and 100% over to Christ's plan. That wherever He wants to take us we will commit too. That whoever He has planned for our life, we trust is in that same plane with us, some who make lasting impressions while others are just there for small talk. That whatever turbulence we feel throughout the flight is all just apart of His plan. Sometimes wearing our seatbelt is necessary when other times the flight is smooth. That maybe the flight attendants act as angels, making our trip a little more comfortable. If that were true, would getting on the plane be as scary? Yes, probably. But through the fear we face in making a decision or a choice. His hands are always under us incase we fall. So what is there to be afraid of? If we don't take a step towards what we want, we may miss the plan God has set for us. 

"we'll look toward the stars and dream that we're airplanes."

Aren't We All Time Travelers?

So I saw the new movie today "The Time Travelers Wife". Ugh. It was very sad. Basic overview of the movie is as follows. A little girl meets a man named Henry who comes and see's her on specific dates of the year. She waits for him, and he comes. She trusts him and tells him everything. He tells her his biggest secret, in that he travels through time. Each time he visits her he is a different age and from a different year. She falls in love with him. The movie is about their life. That she chooses a life with him. She marries him, knowing that he can disappear any moment. The thing is, he always comes back. He could be gone for a week, for a day, or even for a few minutes. But he always returns to her. Sometimes hurt, definitely broken hearted and scared. But she waits. The movie is about longing and love. It is about disappointments and learning to forgive. To let go, and be happy with what you have while you have it. 

As I drove home tonight, I thought about it for a while. I admired her strength. 

"I'm afraid of losing you." 
Clare smiles. "How could you lose me? I'm not going anywhere." 
"I worry that you will get tired of putting up with my undependableness and you will leave me." 
"But I never want to leave you." 
Clare puts her sketchbook aside. I sit up. "I won't ever leave you," she says. "Even though you're always leaving me." 

As I thought about the movie on my way home, something jumped out at me. Yes, this movie is about love. But I see something else wrapped up inside it as well. It seems as if  we are all time traveling. Do we not have a Beloved, who loves us no matter what, and yet what do we do? We leave the One who will never leave us. Deep down we never want to leave, but yet somehow we stray away from Him. Longing to be back into His arms of comfort. It isn't until we find ourselves as His feet broken, wishing we had never left do we realized we "time traveled" away. Each time the clock ticks we have the choice. To love, to follow, and to obey. Or, the clock can sweep us away into a different world of heartbreak and failure. At one point of the movie, Henry returns from a long "travel" and he looks at Clare and says "its okay now, I am not afraid". Is it only when we return to Him, that our fear is gone? That even though the clock keeps ticking and each second is traveled into time, time stands still for Him? We never want to leave Him, but yet we do. We never want to turn against Him and doubt Him but still we do. Each time, we travel into a new world of heartbreak. Until we hear that whisper. Until we remember that there is more. That there is something else. Time does not stop for the traveler. But it is only until we find our way into His loving arms, that the clocks ticking sound is drowned out by a heart beat. 

"I won't ever leave you, even though you're always leaving me." 

Sunrise On The Parkway.

Waking up at five fifteen is never fun, especially when going to bed around 2:30. I woke up this morning with a fog around my head. I grumbled to my brother to hurry up and got into the car to drive him to the airport. Of course, comments about my driving were made as I struggled to keep my eyes open. Once we got on the turnpike though I started to wake up and my brother decided that being nice to me would be better than criticism. We talked about traveling and school, cliff jumping and the weather. By the time we arrived to the airport I had forgotten all about our rocky start this morning and the very early time. I dropped him off and began my way to exit the airport. This being my first time driving to the airport, I was nervous as to how I would navigate out of it, as well as I only had 3 dollars which meant I had no option about getting lost and having to pay more tolls than needed. While leaving the airport, of course, I got onto the wrong highway. Instead of calmly deciding what to do. I paniced. In front of me were signs for highways that I had never heard of, as cars zoomed ahead of me. And then I saw the one sign that flashed in front of my face. "Lincoln Tunnel, stay left" my heart dropped. I then called my dad and I am sure he thought of the worst possible thing. He told me to calm down and to look for the parkway. To make a long story short, I was able to get on the parkway a mile before the tunnel. I was having a hard time calming myself down, and I didn't really understand. I turned on 99.1 and prayed that a song would play that would change my mood right away. I seriously believe that commercials take up 90 percent of radio time. Finally, after about a million commercials, I heard the start up music before they play a song. I then heard the trumpets. Yes, the trumpets of a very old, cheesy christian song that I don't even know the name of but was probably sung by Michael W. Smith's brother. Frustrated, and about to change the station, I looked up ahead of me. The sun was rising. A huge beautiful ball of firey mass was staring directly in front of me. As I gazed in awe, through the trumpets I heard "and Jesus is my strength" over and over. I knew that, that exact song was what God had wanted me to hear. We may get lost sometimes. We may lose our direction and sometimes we can't find which way is up or down. But whenever we look straight ahead, we will encounter the strength that we need. 

Four Girls, a Lion, a Candle and The Real World.

Okay, so what is worse, the fact I am writing in a blog that no one knows about, or the fact this is my third entree in two days?

Anyways. I sat on the floor, celebrating a year of being in the sisterhood. Its funny, I can remember this exact night last year. Its weird how things change. We all sat in the same spot as always. The candle made shadows that danced around the room, each bouncing off one another as if they knew the things we weren't saying. We talked about our hopes and goals for the next year. We talked about disappointments and fears that lurk within our hearts. Why do I have such a hard time opening up? Why is it easier for me to keep it in, keep the things I struggle with the most, hidden? I looked at each of the girls around me, and remembered all that we had been through. Joy and pain, heartbreaks, family problems, disappointments and failures. The four of us have been through basically everything, and here we were, and for the first time I didn't view us as the same high school girls living in a world of make believe. I saw us as women, for the first time. Is it possible four girls can change that much in the matter of 3 months, since we had the last sisterhood meeting? God brings change out of no where sometimes. He changes and restores. He fixes brokenness, while causes confusion. But within all the pain and doubts, it is only within the struggle do we find the answers we are looking for. Each of us are facing our own problems. Each of us, chose everyday whether or not to "drink the cup" that Jesus has given to us. I have never seen a vision of the real world as much as I did tonight. As I drove home, I thanked Jesus, because He reminded me of the struggle. He reminded me of that each time I question Him, it only presents an oppertunity for Him to answer me. While driving home, I stopped at a red light. It felt funny to be waiting at a red light at 1 in the morning. The road was empty. But still I waited. "Oh Praise Him" quietly hummed through my radio as I sat at the light. I closed my eyes, as I waited, and praised Him through the uncertainty that He has put before me.

"Turn your ear to heaven and hear the noise inside

The sound of angel's awe, the sound of angels songs

And all this for a King

We could join and sing

All to Christ our King."

Praising God in the midst of our waiting is hard to do. But before you know it, if you just keep waiting and keep praising: by the time you open your eyes, the light will be green.

Miley is Right, it Really is All About The Climb.

So I love when God plays a song on the radio, right when you need it. That is a reason why I love the radio so much, call me crazy, but I really believe God uses it to speak to us sometimes. To drown out all the other noises and thoughts until we can just hear what He wants us to. So, I was driving home today and on 99.1 the song " I Will Lift My Eyes" by Bebo Norman traveled through my speakers into my ears. I mean, I have probably heard the song a million times, but today, it stuck out to me. The words hit me as if Christ was screaming His words of Love to me. 

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near calm my fear and take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let mercy sing
her melody over me
and God, right here all I bring
is all of me
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
the Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
so hold me now

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now

Something that hit me for the first time, while listening to this song today, was the lyrics that say " I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountain I can't climb." We aren't praying to a God that isn't strong enough. We are praying to the MAKER of the struggle. The maker and creator of the steep incline we are trying to get to the top of. Woah. That kind of changes everything doesn't it? I lose perspective sometimes. I forget just how big my God is. Just how strong He is. He made this mountain, He made each obstacle that is before me, how can I doubt that He knows the way? He is more than that. He is the healer of every hurt inside. EVERY hurt. Woah. The things that hurt us that no one knows about. He can heal it. He is in the process of healing me. He is in the process of leading me. I am struggling with where He is bringing me. Isn't that dumb? I am reading this devotional book called "Streams In The Desert." One of the days it said every time we are feeling sad or worrying, we are actually just doubting God. If we weren't doubting God, then we would feel excited and hopeful. But fear and sadness it basically just telling God " You don't know what You are doing." I always try to remember that, cling to it actually. He does know what He is doing. It is as simple as that. He does. Better than we do, even though it may not seem like it or what is ahead is so distorted..He can bring us to the top of the mountain. We just need to follow His route.

Surrender Your Heart.

So, I decided to start a blog. I am not really sure why, other than having a lot of thoughts and my iworks is too obnoxiously full of random writings. So I figured this would be a better way to have them organized, although I feel like the phrase "organized thoughts" is an oxymoron. Anyways, so here I am. August 16, 2009, uncertainty has been following me around lately. I leave for college in about 17 days. That thought alone scares me to death. It's not that I am afraid to go to school. I just am having a hard time knowing where God is leading me. I know that Calvin is where I need to be, its just hard to leave things behind. Hard to understand how everything is going to fall into place. Calvin is far away. I guess what I am trying to say, is I am struggling with trusting Him. Which is silly, I know. But it's the truth. I know that He has it all planned out, and that His plan is perfect, I just need to trust. That everything I am unclear about, will become clear when He needs me to see. When I got home from Uganda, I read a book called " Jesus Wants To Save Christians." It talks a lot about remembering where we have been, because if we don't we will never get anywhere. I keep pushing that into the front of my mind lately. If I just remember where I have been in the past, remember when I was at the lowest, HE pulled me out. I dont need to worry that He wont be here, or show up. God is never late. God can do anything. I can't put limits on Him. I just have this fear lately. I need to give it to Him. I need to lay my fear at His feet, and put my heart in His hands. There is nothing more beautiful then Him, and I can trust Him. I NEED to trust Him, I need to wait for Him. Its all apart of the plan. I recently got a new tattoo on my foot. "abafiripi 4:12" which stands for phillipians 4:12. 

 "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

The secret being Jesus' strength. His unwavering, mighty and powerful strength. I know the secret, and I cannot forget it. Or take it for granted, ever. I think it's so important to have my two tattoo's on my feet. With my right foot, each step I take, I walk towards Christ's Joy, while with each step my left foot takes I take towards His strength, His contentment, no matter what type of soil my feet or heart may land on. I was thinking last night, what if my biggest dreams, or my biggest desire or hope was to fall through. Would I still be able to be content? That is a scary question. The answer is even scarier. Yes. I have surrendered my heart to Him, trusting that He will hold it. Trusting that His strength is sufficient, which I know it is. It still may frighten me a little, but with the Creator holding each of my fears, it will be okay. I just have to believe. 

"Hope came home,
Home to me today,
And fear has run the other way.
And words are weak;
They don't know how to say,
"You know I still believe in You."
And should my dreams fall through,
I will be safe with You.
So with every breath I can breath,
I'll sing about how You love me.
I'll sing about how You love me."