I Want To Be In The Light.

Yes, its a two post kind of day.

I laid on my floor in my living room for about twenty minutes, praying God would tell me what to do. To just make it clear for me. I found myself laying in my confusion. I thought " I dont even know which way is up anymore." But then I found myself answering " the light is always up".

Sometimes She Dreams The Most Beautiful Dreams.

So, once again God played the right song at the right time. I was driving home from the eye doctor this morning and the rain was pouring down, literally and metaphorically. I watched the light in front of me change from green to yellow to red. I stopped and watched the rain drops disperse on my windshield. Right when they landed from the sky they bounced off each other and slipped down, as if they knew something that I didn't. The light changed, and with that a song started. "Magnificent Obsession" by Steven Curtis Chapman played through the rain and cut deeply into my heart.

Lord, You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life’s complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I’m chasing down the wind
But now it’s brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I’ve never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You’ve shown me
Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me

Within the first 30 seconds, I found myself with chills everywhere. This song is my prayer. I have been so afraid of everything slipping away lately, I forgot about the One who gave it all to me. I have been so caught up in trying to control my dreams, that I took them from His hands. I have been chasing the wind for so long, I am finally back into the Light of His shadow. If  He is all that I desire, than why should I worry about anything else? He will figure out all the complications if I am kneeling at His throne. I tend to obsess about things. It doesn't matter what, but once I get something stuck in my head, it's like I have a repeat button in my head that is always on. But here is a thought, what if I let the uncertainty go, and just obsessed about Him. What if I had a repeat of Him going on and on in my head and on my heart. "Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things. let all my dreams fall to the ground

until this one remains." Woah. That hit me hard. If I let all my dreams fall to His feet, what would I need to worry about? He can handle them better than I can, and then my eyes will only be focused on Him and His majesty. 

I have been so afraid lately, because I have been holding onto my dreams so tightly. But I think to gain, I need to let go. I need to let go of each of them, put them at His feet, and keep His words of love on repeat in my head. Until only one dream remains, and that is Him. Everything else He will sort through, but He is dying to be my "magnificent obsession". He DID die so that we would give Him everything. 

But what if He wants something a little different, something a little more. Instead of "giving" Him everything, what if we made Him everything in our lives. 

Be my Magnificent Obsession.

A Letter of Hope Through The Storm.

Dear My beloved,

You look beautiful. The way the sun is hitting your face makes you shine and your hazel eyes remind Me of your mothers. Thank you for calling Me, I've been waiting. Lately you have been asking Me "why" a lot. And I am going to tell you.

Its because I love you. I love you more than you can ever imagine. Everything that is happening to you, everything you are going through right now is because My love for you is bigger. Its bigger than your life right now, its bigger than the obstacle that you are trying to face. That is why. I want you to search your heart right now. Think about everything that you are afraid of, everything that makes you sad and hurt. Now, I want you to give up control. Let go of all of that. I love you so much that I want to have the control, because Megan, I know best. I know best because My love for you is stronger. I am stronger. Every time you feel that feeling in your throat, every time your heart aches, every time you don't feel good enough, pretty enough or smart enough: I feel that too. I ache more than you do. In the rain, My tear drops fall from the hurt I feel watching your pain. When your heart breaks, My hands burn from where the nails pierced. When you are struck with confusion and rejection the thorns in My head are pushed harder. When you hurt, I hurt. And I wish I could take it from you. Every ounce of hurt you feel, I wish I could take: but I can't. You see, I cant stop the pain, I can't take away the hurt you feel. But what I can do is promise you that you are not alone, and the pain that you are feeling is apart of something bigger. That every time your heart breaks, Mine is breaking too. Each time you feel like the road keeps getting darker, I am right behind you, and I know the way. You don't have to fear what is ahead, because I have been there before. I know what is waiting for you, and you don't have to be afraid. Everything may not be how you want it to be, but I promise I won't leave you. I know that the thought of people leaving is scary to you, but I never will. I am constant. When it seems as if everyone has deserted you, just call My name, and you will see, clearer than ever: that I am there. It wont be easy, but its not supposed to be easy. This is the cup that you have been given. I have chosen you for this life. Do you know why? Because I know that you can do it. I know that you are strong enough to face what I have put in your cup. Do not be afraid of it. Do not resist it. And when each sip gets harder to drink, I promise you that I will mop of the droplets that spill. Did you ever stop to think what tears are made of? Or better yet, what they taste like? They taste like nothing. They are basically water. That is part of My divine plan beautiful. Each time a tear falls into your cup, it does not change the bitter and harsh taste, but it does slowly start to dilute it. Within each tear, a boost of strength comes that gives you the courage to drink it. Before you know it after the suffering is gone, in front of you the cup of pain has turned into a cup of water. Pure. I will make you pure. I will make you strong. Just trust Me. Trust Me more than you trust yourself. And drink the cup with hope, that one day the bitter taste will be swapped with the refreshing taste of water. I know that the rain is coming down hard. I know that it is hard to see, but I promise it will stop. One day. But until then, come and rest within My arms of love. We can watch the rain fall and dream of stars.

Remember, each time you are rejected, each time you are made to feel less than you are, remember Me. Remember that you are not hurting alone. Before we could have an understanding God, we needed a suffering Savior. Well, thats Me. I know all about pain and rejection. I know all about suffering. So don't doubt me. Don't turn away from me. No one loves you as much as I do. And do Me one favor. Do not put Me in a box. I am bigger than you can dare to dream. So dream big, but keep in mind that I am even bigger. 

I love you. Do not doubt that. Just look towards the cross and feel Me in the breeze. I am there.

When the rain comes it seems that everyone has
gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't
find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain 
But I will hold you 'til it goes away
When the rain comes
you blame it on the things that
you have done
When the storm fades 
you know that rain must fall
on everyone
Rest awhile
it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do
When the rain comes
I will hold you

Now That I Have Seen I Am Responsible.

Okay I am writing again for today.

I am sitting on the couch. The sky is dark outside, but it seems that the rain has just stopped. Today is the first day I am not running around, but it seems that my mind didn't get that memo, for it is miles and miles away. I am dreaming of the future. Dreaming of what He has in store. And dreaming of an idea that He has placed on my heart.

My mind dreams of a place in Africa. I do not know where, for that piece is not needed yet while the vision is still coming to me. I picture a place where not many Americans or other people go.  A place that is off the beaten path. Hope in the darkness. I picture a house up on a hill, that seems to come from the clouds. The house looks welcoming and inviting, when you would look at it, your first thought wouldn't be, "oh that is an orphanage, those poor kids" but rather, " that place is full of love". The house doesn't need a lot of things because that isn't the point. But rather, laughter in the place of furniture, smiles in the place of materialism and God in the place of our needs. The halls will be filled of children who have suffered immensely in their lives but have now found a place of rest. Maybe their parents died, maybe their parents just couldn't take care of them, either way it wouldn't matter. Each child would feel loved and welcomed, and never feel the weight of their past upon their shoulders. Where you live, shouldn't determine if you live. That is what I see as the motto. And "live" I think can mean actually live and breathe, as well as LIVE in Christ. Their past wont stand in the way of their future.  Their continent won't stand in the way of their future. They will learn the things that have changed my life. They will learn to read and absorb literature. They will learn to write and express themselves. They will learn HOW much they are loved by their Savior and how He has so much more for them. They will learn to take pictures and become living and breathing inspirations to their city and country. But most importantly, they will feel like they belong. They will never be left, for He never leaves. He has instilled upon me this dream. This dream of loving these children who have been abandoned and rejected. Every child deserves to be loved and to FEEL loved. My dream is that these children will.

Gracious Father, You have given me this dream for a reason. You have planted this seed in my heart. Father, show me Your will. Teach me and reveal to me Your plan. Let this not be about me, but about YOUR Love Father. You have called us to care for Your children, send me. Provide for me the people and the resources to make this dream into a reality. It seems that it would be at least 4 years before this can become a reality, Lord instill in me patience. Teach me to wait for You. Wait for the right time. So many things could fall through in that long of a time Father, and that frightens me. But help me to remember whatever falls through, You have done it for me not against me. Bring clarity for Your plans Father. I have so many hopes and dreams about it Lord, but let it not be my will, but Your will. 

I love You. Thank You. 

The Hardest Part.

So I was cleaning my room, and I stumbled across a letter a friend wrote me. Before the letter, she attached a quote on it. It really hit me.

"Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small , like when we do a bad thing, for a good reason. Some are bigger, like when we let down a friend. Some of us escape the pangs of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret, because we're looking forward to the future. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past. And sometimes we bury our regret, by promising to change our ways. But our biggest regrets are not for the things we did... but the things we didn't do."

I thought about that quote today as I drove to the airport dropping a friend off. The airport is probably one of my favorite places in this world. I could sit there for hours and watch the people rush to get to their destinations, as well as seeing people arriving home. I enjoy seeing all the different people interact with one another. It seems that the airport is one place where differences are put aside and everyone is rushing towards one goal. Getting to their destination, safely. Putting all fears, beliefs and backgrounds behind. Whether that means they are going some place on vacation, following God for missions or just going home. Or maybe its more tragic. Maybe someone is running away, hiding from their past, hoping that when they arrive to wherever the plane lands everything will be different. The airport is a place of joy and sorrow. Fear and hope. I see each of those things each time a plane takes off and my mind wanders as to who is on that plane and where they are going. 

Watching planes take off, shows me God. I picture His hand under each plane, gently gliding it upwards. I think its funny the things we are willing to do, and yet how the littlest things can scare us. According to flightware.com 49,000 commercial flights take off daily. That blows my mind. After everything that has happened dealing with planes, and just the fact in general that people are able to trust that a metal box can fly thousands of feet into the air for long periods of time: it gives me hope. I think fear and regret go hand in hand. We chose not to do things because we are scared of the outcome. We chose not to help, not to love because it scares us. But here is an idea. Every time a plane takes off, each time we hear the rumble of the engine above us; it is proof that God can take our fear and turn into hope. If we are willing to risk, if we are willing to fear, He will guide us the rest of the way. Taking the step is a hard decision to make. Trusting that where we will get off will be worth it is enough to make us change our plans. However, once in the air we are free, once we chose that fear is not an option but a feeling, we can't fall. And once our plane lands, regret is far from us and the fear that lurked on our shoulders is now found in the trail of the journey. Because stepping onto the plane is the hardest part. But maybe, the plane is a metaphor. What if stepping onto a plane, was giving ourselves completely and 100% over to Christ's plan. That wherever He wants to take us we will commit too. That whoever He has planned for our life, we trust is in that same plane with us, some who make lasting impressions while others are just there for small talk. That whatever turbulence we feel throughout the flight is all just apart of His plan. Sometimes wearing our seatbelt is necessary when other times the flight is smooth. That maybe the flight attendants act as angels, making our trip a little more comfortable. If that were true, would getting on the plane be as scary? Yes, probably. But through the fear we face in making a decision or a choice. His hands are always under us incase we fall. So what is there to be afraid of? If we don't take a step towards what we want, we may miss the plan God has set for us. 

"we'll look toward the stars and dream that we're airplanes."

Aren't We All Time Travelers?

So I saw the new movie today "The Time Travelers Wife". Ugh. It was very sad. Basic overview of the movie is as follows. A little girl meets a man named Henry who comes and see's her on specific dates of the year. She waits for him, and he comes. She trusts him and tells him everything. He tells her his biggest secret, in that he travels through time. Each time he visits her he is a different age and from a different year. She falls in love with him. The movie is about their life. That she chooses a life with him. She marries him, knowing that he can disappear any moment. The thing is, he always comes back. He could be gone for a week, for a day, or even for a few minutes. But he always returns to her. Sometimes hurt, definitely broken hearted and scared. But she waits. The movie is about longing and love. It is about disappointments and learning to forgive. To let go, and be happy with what you have while you have it. 

As I drove home tonight, I thought about it for a while. I admired her strength. 

"I'm afraid of losing you." 
Clare smiles. "How could you lose me? I'm not going anywhere." 
"I worry that you will get tired of putting up with my undependableness and you will leave me." 
"But I never want to leave you." 
Clare puts her sketchbook aside. I sit up. "I won't ever leave you," she says. "Even though you're always leaving me." 

As I thought about the movie on my way home, something jumped out at me. Yes, this movie is about love. But I see something else wrapped up inside it as well. It seems as if  we are all time traveling. Do we not have a Beloved, who loves us no matter what, and yet what do we do? We leave the One who will never leave us. Deep down we never want to leave, but yet somehow we stray away from Him. Longing to be back into His arms of comfort. It isn't until we find ourselves as His feet broken, wishing we had never left do we realized we "time traveled" away. Each time the clock ticks we have the choice. To love, to follow, and to obey. Or, the clock can sweep us away into a different world of heartbreak and failure. At one point of the movie, Henry returns from a long "travel" and he looks at Clare and says "its okay now, I am not afraid". Is it only when we return to Him, that our fear is gone? That even though the clock keeps ticking and each second is traveled into time, time stands still for Him? We never want to leave Him, but yet we do. We never want to turn against Him and doubt Him but still we do. Each time, we travel into a new world of heartbreak. Until we hear that whisper. Until we remember that there is more. That there is something else. Time does not stop for the traveler. But it is only until we find our way into His loving arms, that the clocks ticking sound is drowned out by a heart beat. 

"I won't ever leave you, even though you're always leaving me." 

Sunrise On The Parkway.

Waking up at five fifteen is never fun, especially when going to bed around 2:30. I woke up this morning with a fog around my head. I grumbled to my brother to hurry up and got into the car to drive him to the airport. Of course, comments about my driving were made as I struggled to keep my eyes open. Once we got on the turnpike though I started to wake up and my brother decided that being nice to me would be better than criticism. We talked about traveling and school, cliff jumping and the weather. By the time we arrived to the airport I had forgotten all about our rocky start this morning and the very early time. I dropped him off and began my way to exit the airport. This being my first time driving to the airport, I was nervous as to how I would navigate out of it, as well as I only had 3 dollars which meant I had no option about getting lost and having to pay more tolls than needed. While leaving the airport, of course, I got onto the wrong highway. Instead of calmly deciding what to do. I paniced. In front of me were signs for highways that I had never heard of, as cars zoomed ahead of me. And then I saw the one sign that flashed in front of my face. "Lincoln Tunnel, stay left" my heart dropped. I then called my dad and I am sure he thought of the worst possible thing. He told me to calm down and to look for the parkway. To make a long story short, I was able to get on the parkway a mile before the tunnel. I was having a hard time calming myself down, and I didn't really understand. I turned on 99.1 and prayed that a song would play that would change my mood right away. I seriously believe that commercials take up 90 percent of radio time. Finally, after about a million commercials, I heard the start up music before they play a song. I then heard the trumpets. Yes, the trumpets of a very old, cheesy christian song that I don't even know the name of but was probably sung by Michael W. Smith's brother. Frustrated, and about to change the station, I looked up ahead of me. The sun was rising. A huge beautiful ball of firey mass was staring directly in front of me. As I gazed in awe, through the trumpets I heard "and Jesus is my strength" over and over. I knew that, that exact song was what God had wanted me to hear. We may get lost sometimes. We may lose our direction and sometimes we can't find which way is up or down. But whenever we look straight ahead, we will encounter the strength that we need. 

Four Girls, a Lion, a Candle and The Real World.

Okay, so what is worse, the fact I am writing in a blog that no one knows about, or the fact this is my third entree in two days?

Anyways. I sat on the floor, celebrating a year of being in the sisterhood. Its funny, I can remember this exact night last year. Its weird how things change. We all sat in the same spot as always. The candle made shadows that danced around the room, each bouncing off one another as if they knew the things we weren't saying. We talked about our hopes and goals for the next year. We talked about disappointments and fears that lurk within our hearts. Why do I have such a hard time opening up? Why is it easier for me to keep it in, keep the things I struggle with the most, hidden? I looked at each of the girls around me, and remembered all that we had been through. Joy and pain, heartbreaks, family problems, disappointments and failures. The four of us have been through basically everything, and here we were, and for the first time I didn't view us as the same high school girls living in a world of make believe. I saw us as women, for the first time. Is it possible four girls can change that much in the matter of 3 months, since we had the last sisterhood meeting? God brings change out of no where sometimes. He changes and restores. He fixes brokenness, while causes confusion. But within all the pain and doubts, it is only within the struggle do we find the answers we are looking for. Each of us are facing our own problems. Each of us, chose everyday whether or not to "drink the cup" that Jesus has given to us. I have never seen a vision of the real world as much as I did tonight. As I drove home, I thanked Jesus, because He reminded me of the struggle. He reminded me of that each time I question Him, it only presents an oppertunity for Him to answer me. While driving home, I stopped at a red light. It felt funny to be waiting at a red light at 1 in the morning. The road was empty. But still I waited. "Oh Praise Him" quietly hummed through my radio as I sat at the light. I closed my eyes, as I waited, and praised Him through the uncertainty that He has put before me.

"Turn your ear to heaven and hear the noise inside

The sound of angel's awe, the sound of angels songs

And all this for a King

We could join and sing

All to Christ our King."

Praising God in the midst of our waiting is hard to do. But before you know it, if you just keep waiting and keep praising: by the time you open your eyes, the light will be green.

Miley is Right, it Really is All About The Climb.

So I love when God plays a song on the radio, right when you need it. That is a reason why I love the radio so much, call me crazy, but I really believe God uses it to speak to us sometimes. To drown out all the other noises and thoughts until we can just hear what He wants us to. So, I was driving home today and on 99.1 the song " I Will Lift My Eyes" by Bebo Norman traveled through my speakers into my ears. I mean, I have probably heard the song a million times, but today, it stuck out to me. The words hit me as if Christ was screaming His words of Love to me. 

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near calm my fear and take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let mercy sing
her melody over me
and God, right here all I bring
is all of me
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
the Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
so hold me now

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now

Something that hit me for the first time, while listening to this song today, was the lyrics that say " I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountain I can't climb." We aren't praying to a God that isn't strong enough. We are praying to the MAKER of the struggle. The maker and creator of the steep incline we are trying to get to the top of. Woah. That kind of changes everything doesn't it? I lose perspective sometimes. I forget just how big my God is. Just how strong He is. He made this mountain, He made each obstacle that is before me, how can I doubt that He knows the way? He is more than that. He is the healer of every hurt inside. EVERY hurt. Woah. The things that hurt us that no one knows about. He can heal it. He is in the process of healing me. He is in the process of leading me. I am struggling with where He is bringing me. Isn't that dumb? I am reading this devotional book called "Streams In The Desert." One of the days it said every time we are feeling sad or worrying, we are actually just doubting God. If we weren't doubting God, then we would feel excited and hopeful. But fear and sadness it basically just telling God " You don't know what You are doing." I always try to remember that, cling to it actually. He does know what He is doing. It is as simple as that. He does. Better than we do, even though it may not seem like it or what is ahead is so distorted..He can bring us to the top of the mountain. We just need to follow His route.

Surrender Your Heart.

So, I decided to start a blog. I am not really sure why, other than having a lot of thoughts and my iworks is too obnoxiously full of random writings. So I figured this would be a better way to have them organized, although I feel like the phrase "organized thoughts" is an oxymoron. Anyways, so here I am. August 16, 2009, uncertainty has been following me around lately. I leave for college in about 17 days. That thought alone scares me to death. It's not that I am afraid to go to school. I just am having a hard time knowing where God is leading me. I know that Calvin is where I need to be, its just hard to leave things behind. Hard to understand how everything is going to fall into place. Calvin is far away. I guess what I am trying to say, is I am struggling with trusting Him. Which is silly, I know. But it's the truth. I know that He has it all planned out, and that His plan is perfect, I just need to trust. That everything I am unclear about, will become clear when He needs me to see. When I got home from Uganda, I read a book called " Jesus Wants To Save Christians." It talks a lot about remembering where we have been, because if we don't we will never get anywhere. I keep pushing that into the front of my mind lately. If I just remember where I have been in the past, remember when I was at the lowest, HE pulled me out. I dont need to worry that He wont be here, or show up. God is never late. God can do anything. I can't put limits on Him. I just have this fear lately. I need to give it to Him. I need to lay my fear at His feet, and put my heart in His hands. There is nothing more beautiful then Him, and I can trust Him. I NEED to trust Him, I need to wait for Him. Its all apart of the plan. I recently got a new tattoo on my foot. "abafiripi 4:12" which stands for phillipians 4:12. 

 "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

The secret being Jesus' strength. His unwavering, mighty and powerful strength. I know the secret, and I cannot forget it. Or take it for granted, ever. I think it's so important to have my two tattoo's on my feet. With my right foot, each step I take, I walk towards Christ's Joy, while with each step my left foot takes I take towards His strength, His contentment, no matter what type of soil my feet or heart may land on. I was thinking last night, what if my biggest dreams, or my biggest desire or hope was to fall through. Would I still be able to be content? That is a scary question. The answer is even scarier. Yes. I have surrendered my heart to Him, trusting that He will hold it. Trusting that His strength is sufficient, which I know it is. It still may frighten me a little, but with the Creator holding each of my fears, it will be okay. I just have to believe. 

"Hope came home,
Home to me today,
And fear has run the other way.
And words are weak;
They don't know how to say,
"You know I still believe in You."
And should my dreams fall through,
I will be safe with You.
So with every breath I can breath,
I'll sing about how You love me.
I'll sing about how You love me."