And There's No One Left in The Orphans' Bed.

I always knew that I wanted to be an International Development major. Isn't that funny? Before I even knew what God had planned, I felt it deep down inside of me. Well, tonight is a night that this major is making my heart heavy. I read countless articles and books about all the injustice in the world, statistics about orphans in Africa or the cast system in India, enabling people to leave poverty, and my heart breaks. The last few days I have had the oppertunity to experience African culture from a group of people who live in Zimbabwe, and it just makes me miss Uganda so badly. My heart is literally aching right now. I started watching some videos that I had taken of this little boy named Eddy. He was singing and laughing. I couldn't hold my tears back. I laughed as he did his giggle and ached to hold him, ached to be near him and just hold him close.

After my time reminiscing over Uganda videos, I stumbled on Steven Curtis Chapman's website. I started to read his wife's blog. It was all about suffering. All about how she is dealing with losing her daughter after only 5 years. My heart broke again. But I came across something that (made me cry obviously) but filled me with some sort of hope. It started out with..

"Yesterday....17 months later, I still caught myself bargaining with God to give her back to me....To somehow let her be manifested so that I could just see her for a minute, or at least get a small whiff of her sweet, yet sweaty smell. I would have loved to just feel the sensation of me kissing the fat of her neck and blowing Zerberts until she giggled so hard she could barely speak!"

I know that the children at the orphanage where not my children, but I sure do love them, and miss them like crazy. But, maybe missing them is apart of the journey. Its apart of this life God has given us.

"In fact God entrusted me with it. Why? Trust me? I don't even want to talk about the "Why?"question.... But ultimately, God wanted to use our family to live out this kind of story here on Earth. I only pray that when people see us battling it out and crying our guts out and loving till it hurts, that they know we are doing our best to honor the ONE that blessed us with Maria for 5 beautiful years. Did I want more years? You better believe I did....But...I also know that Maria didn't live one day longer than she was supposed to. She was never going to learn to ride her bike without training wheels, drive a car, go on a date, or as Shaley observed...have a senior picture hanging on the senior picture wall....God knew all of that...He knows all of my pain...and somehow I am trusting that He alone is the ONE that is going to fix it, heal it, make it right....when it is time. Until then, I'll still be asking God to let me see her, feel her, smell her.....and if you see a woman who is a little disheveled walking the isles of TJ Maxx with tears streaming down her face....It's probably me! You see, know matter how much I can tell you it's getting easier, I still end up back where I started. I want so badly to be the strong Christian woman that keeps taking those steps ahead and making that awesome progress. Yet, when all is said and done, I think I'm going to have to settle for the Little Train that Could.... Tell Jesus...I think I can I think I can...and believe it...even when I don't!"

Woah, that is so hopeful right there. If a woman who had to burry her 5 year old daughter, can find the courage to go on each day, with hope that Jesus is in complete control and that He has ENTRUSTED us with our burden, then so can we. I think that relates to well to drinking the cup that we have been given. It may be bitter, but let it be Your will not mine Father. If Jesus was able to find the strength to say that before dying, so can we. We must pick up our cross. Our cross of loneliness and heart break. Of sadness and disappointment. Of longing and aching. We must keep going. We must take a big sip out of our cup and follow Him. Because Jesus never leads us someplace alone. He is right along side us each step of the way. Hunger and thirsting for righteousness, aching for the world to have no orphans or sadness is what Jesus has promised us that we will be filled. HE will fill us when our hearts ache. When it seems unbearable, listen to the faint whisper. He is there and He will never leave.

Missing them never gets easier. But for some reason, Jesus needs us here right now, and needs them there. And we will be back not a second too late.