Bring Me To A Clear Focus.

I am coming to learn that fear and trust go hand in hand. It is hard to trust. Its even harder to go through your day with fear. Fear is something I battle daily. Fear of not being accepted, fear of being forgotten, or left. Fear of being replaceable, fear of not being good enough, of being invisible. Which causes me to shut off sometimes. But what is that really saying? I think my weakness is not so much fear, but trust. If I can't trust that Gods plan is better than mine, that each thing that happens that causes me to fear is HIM doing it, to instill in me something. Instill in me something that I need to know. Each day that I wake up, and praise His name.. is a step closer to forgetting my weakness. Its a step closer to letting my weakness die to His name. Its hard to trust, especially when fear's voice is whispering in my ear the whole time. But maybe, what if I was to stop listening to that voice, and listen to the wind instead. Hear His promise in the sound of the rain hitting the pavement. Feeling His hand in mine as He begs me to trust Him. Each time a situation comes, I have a choice. Choice one: to give up. To give into the fear, to lay down and let the enemy have His way. Or, there is choice two: to fight back. To put on the shield and armor of Christ and fight each day. To not let the worrying make me doubt God's plan. That doesn't always mean being strong. Being strong does not mean having no fear or doubts. Being strong doesn't mean you have it all together. It doesn't mean we don't trip and fall, cry while broken and damaged. But being strong means we keep going. Through each of life's set backs and disappointments. Through the fear and uncertainty. Being strong is simply to keep going. To not give up or to give in. Being strong is being aware of how weak we really are, and giving the control to the One who is never weak or weary.

Each morning when I wake up and open my eyes, the world around me is blurry. My eyes feel dry and unfocused. I scan the room around me of shapes and colors that I can't decipher of what they actually may be. Sometimes things look even scary when I can't seem them. I can't describe what things look like but my imagination has a way of turning bookshelves into murders or chairs in animals. I can try my hardest to see what they actually are but I never can. I can squint, I can try on my own for hours but my vision never changes. It is not until I put my glasses on do things become clear. I think that goes hand in hand with trust and fear. We can try to see through the fear and doubt. We can squint and try to see perspective and what is actual reality. But all the squinting will just leave us with a head ache and tired of trying, tired of trying to do things on our own. But once we put our "glasses" on by taking His hand. Trusting Him that everything in our path is there for a reason. Trusting that that actually the murderer is just a bookshelf, or the pain we feel is just temporary. It's not until we can trust Him with the fear that we suffer with will things start to become clear.

I have to be honest. I have been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy lately. I am addicted. But I find myself seeing Christ in weird ways through each episode. The show always starts with a quote. The quotes always seem to have something to do with longing. Longing for acceptance, for love, for meaning. Aren't we all longing for that in some way or another? Well, He is offering it to us. He is promising that in Him. He is promising that the people He has put in our lives right now, are there for a reason. And those that left, they left for a reason. Whether they left by their choice or He called them home. That all happened for a reason. And that longing will be satisfied. Through Him and the plans that He has. Each time we reach out, or let someone in.. we are carrying out His will. He is so close. He is right here. He is waiting for us. He is waiting for us to let the fear out and His love and promises in.

"I have got no one to blame, excepts if that someone is me

I washed my hands but just the same

My eyes confess for me

I come in filthy rags

You know I'm guilty

I wake up almost every night saying Your name

What I would give to walk in the light

But what I hide has made me lame

My face down on the ground I wait to hear the healing sound

You break through my deafness

Swing open the curtain

And I find the courage

To get up and walk

I forget my weakness

For You have answered my loneliness

Through the mud on my eyes I can see my hope has come

You will have to show me where to go its been so long since I used my feet

I got up today a cripple, and i am now dancing

The power of Your move not stop with what I can see

You break through my deafness

Swing open the curtain

And I find the courage to get up and walk

I forget my weakness

You have answered my loneliness

Through the mud on my eyes I can see

My hope has come"